dementia

You Need to Walk Away

I could never have put my wife in a nursing home.

Those places are horrible. I am suprised you did that.

I will always keep my mom at home with me.

And so it goes.

You make a decision. You didn’t want to make that decision. Your wife has Alzheimer’s, and she feared at some point she would no longer be able to live at home. That time has come.

You visited nursing homes. You looked at their online reviews. You talked to anyone you knew who had a family member in a nursing home.

You did the best you could.

Repeat after me: You did the best you could.

The best you could was choosing to place someone you love in an environment where they could receive care 24/7.

And then someone makes a comment. Maybe it’s subtle and maybe it’s not so subtle.

I was speaking to a group last week when a man shared that he had been shamed by someone at church when he showed up the first time without his wife. After explaining that she was in memory care, this person said, “I can’t believe you did that.”

When this man told the story, I interrupted. (Ask my husband…I interrupt a lot.) Not because I didn’t think what he was saying was important but because it made me so angry.

Let’s back up a bit.

My dad was never diagnosed with a dementia-causing condition, but he did struggle cognitively at the end of his life. More than that, he struggled with mobility. He tried to walk. He fell. Rinse and repeat.

It was never a real option to have him live with us. I never sat down and talked to my husband about it. I never made a pro/con list. But there were times when it was a fleeting thought.

Then I remembered that there was no way we could keep him from falling. And we had stairs. Oh, and the recurrent C-diff….if you know you know.

For the last 6 months of his life, he was in a nursing home on and off.

Perhaps that’s why I interrupted this guy.

When people shame you for choosing a nursing home, it’s not acceptable. Perhaps they realize it’s hurtful, or maybe they don’t. But we need to stop.

There are enough messages out there telling care partners they are doing it wrong. You don’t need a guy at church throwing in another message.

You need more supportive people in your life. You need better friends.

You need to walk away when someone makes a comment like that.

4 thoughts on “You Need to Walk Away”

  1. Thank you for your work and the many insights you offer. At this time I would like to unsubscribe. I have have been reading your posts for several years. Thus past month I lost my husband to dementia. With his death so recent, i would like to take a break from reading about dementia.

    Thank you, Rosalyn

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  2. Thank you, Elaine. Such an important message! I talked to a woman at church yesterday who put her husband (dementia diagnosis) in a nursing home this summer and did my best to encourage her for taking the best care possible in the situation. She doesn’t hear that often enough. So thank you. Thank you for using your voice to speak to and for these caregivers.

    Sonya Thrall System Initiative Officer Western Home Communities 5307 Caraway Lane Cedar Falls, Iowa 50613 319.859.9339

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  3. Those who judge harshly haven’t been in that position I think. You have to make sure it’s a good place, but otherwise, in my personal opinion with experience, the camaraderie that is fostered in a good facility for dementia patients is a wonderful asset for family (and most importantly, for the patient). My Mom and her sister lived many years together in a memory care home and for them (and for our family) it was a wonderful experience. My Mom repeatedly told me how happy she was there with her sister and how they loved being together. So I had no guilt. I did what I needed ot do for them, with them and was in constant contact (physically and via phone). Perhaps our family circumstances lended more kindly to the situation, but I would happily and without guilt tell anyone that it was the right decision for us and that it was benefiicial for us all…
    Sorry, just had to put my 2 cents in…I wouldn’t want anyone to feel badly about making the hard decision to have family in a home, and I want to support them.

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